Grief is something that people usually associate with losing a loved one. There are typically words of condolences, flowers, home-cooked meals, ceremonies, and other forms of social support that are extended to grievers to let them know they are not alone. While the loss of a loved one is traumatic and life-altering, there is often a unity that results which has a beauty of its own. But what happens when the griever loses something that isn’t a person?
Perhaps they lost their career, their health, a beloved pet, or experienced a miscarriage. Do those losses result in grief? Absolutely. This is known as disenfranchised grief. This sort of grief is experienced by people who have lost something that society at large views as small, insignificant, or shameful. People like to compare non-death grief as less important and less prevalent than death-related grief. However, society saying that a loss is too insignificant to grieve doesn’t stop a person from experiencing it. Instead, the griever may go on this journey alone. Or perhaps people offer a small amount of support or extend empathy for a short period of time. This leaves people feeling utterly alone. They may even wonder if something is wrong with them. This can get even more complicated when the thing a person is grieving is stigmatized.
Grieving a mental health diagnosis is one of those things that induces disenfranchised grief. You may be shocked to learn that a diagnosis like that could cause someone to feel grief. Honestly, I’m not surprised. Go ahead and try to google “grieving a mental health diagnosis”. I’ll wait. What did you find? A whole bunch of articles about when grieving a death goes beyond normal or maybe you found an article or two about grieving a physical health diagnosis. I’m glad those resources are there for people in those situations, but I’m disappointed by the lack of support for mental health-related grief. Disappointed but not surprised since mental health is still highly stigmatized in our society. That’s why I’m writing this post; to bring awareness to this issue and help others be seen. Below I’ll address a few questions related to mental health diagnosis and grief.
1. Why do people grieve a mental health diagnosis? Due to lack of resources, I can’t give you any stats on this so I will be answering from conclusions I’ve drawn from my own observations. I believe all diagnoses can be grieved, however, this might be especially true in the case of “pervasive” diagnoses like bipolar disorders, OCD, and schizophrenia. Pervasive just means that it’ll likely last across your lifespan. Receiving a diagnosis is life-altering. The life you knew before you started struggling is over. You now have to go to therapy for the rest of your life, rely on daily medication, go to multiple doctor’s appointments, and change your lifestyle. This may also mean that your career may look differently than you hoped. The hardest pill to swallow in this situation is that you will have to keep up the fighting every day in order to manage your illness. It’s challenging. It’s exhausting. It’s painful. People grieve after a diagnosis because they lost their old lives and what they thought their future would look like.
2. Why do people not share that they are grieving after their diagnosis? As I mentioned earlier, mental illness is highly stigmatized. Many people have not experienced a mental illness so it’s hard to understand something that you have nothing to compare it to. Many people can understand being sad after you get fired but may not understand someone who wakes up sad nearly every day for 2 years. People may also not understand the need to perform specific actions before feeling safe enough to leave the house. Or understand the struggle of not being able to sleep for several days due to rapid thoughts and then spending large portions of money before becoming severely depressed a week later. It’s hard to understand these things because the cause is invisible. People try to help by using their own experiences with difficult emotions and believe that people with mental illnesses should be able to snap out of their “moody phase” as they did. It’s ignorant to think that mental illnesses can be cured through positive thinking alone. “You just need to pray more” is another phrase that often gets offered to people. Some even downright admit that they think mental illnesses aren’t real. The lack of understanding creates a sense of shame. A person cannot share their grief with you if you think their illness is fake or is their own fault.
3. How can I help someone who is grieving? If you are asking this question, I appreciate you. I love that you care. There are two incredibly important things I want you to know about helping grieving people. First, allow your griever to talk about their feelings and experiences without interrupting. Let them express their anger, sadness, hopelessness, confusion, and everything in between. These are typical feelings that come with grief and expressing them allows a person to process them. Secondly, don’t offer advice unless asked. Sometimes, people just want to be seen and heard without judgment. Your heart’s desire is to help but unsolicited advice may give the impression that you aren’t listening, don’t care about their feelings, and make them think you don’t understand. Advice tells a griever that they are whining about something that is within their power to cure. It blames the person for their illness. This breeds shame that makes them stop sharing that they are struggling.
4. How can I help myself grieve a diagnosis? I’m still unsure about how to approach this, however, I do have a few ideas. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Let yourself curl up in a fuzzy blanket and cry. Hit the punching bag to release your anger. Rip apart a dozen pieces of paper to release anxious energy. Paint something ugly that illustrates your confusion. Just let all the emotions exist. Pushing them down will only make them come back stronger later on. Why prolong your grief? Give yourself grace. You’ve lost something. It’s understandable that you aren’t your most productive self. It makes sense that you cry at the drop of a hat or get angry more easily. It’s okay to take a break. Find a Support Group. There are lots of online and in-person support groups for people who share your struggles. It may be nice to be seen and understood by those who truly get it. Plus, being vulnerable about your grief may make others feel brave enough to reveal their own grief. You don’t have to carry this weight alone.
Do you have any thoughts on grief that you’d like to share? If so, I’d love to hear your comments below. Maybe we can start the conversation in this little corner of the internet so people can recognize that they aren’t alone.
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